Give me liberty, or give me...

I know it seems like I've been getting extremely excited over the most mundane events - honestly, that's because my life kind of sucks. Anyways, I just found out that my new-to-me computer/office chair can have it's height adjusted. My back was really starting to hurt and I was overly elated at my newfound discovery. If you think my excitement over this news is embarrassing, well you'll love how I found out. I was really bored and no one was home, and instead of masturbating, I thought, hmm I haven't made myself dizzy in a good long while. So, with the fervor of a pubescent 12 year old, I spun myself as fast and as hard as I could in my chair. At first I thought it was just part of the post-chair-spin-dizziness, but I soon realized I was at a more comfortable sitting height. What was originally a ridiculous waste of time (spinning around in my chair), turned into a fruitful and exponentially beneficial experience. YAY for being stupid! HIP HIP...HOORAY!


Hmm, my joy has subsided quicker than an erection post-porno induced eruption. Back to the mundane I guess. I recently saw a Dane Cook skit - say what you will about the man, this skit of his held some valuable insight. I believe it was titled, "Things that guys want more than sex." WHA?! I know, it sounds insane, right? Is there more to life? I sure hope so, because if there isn't, I'm going to start planning my funeral. But he starts off by talking about a diamond heist. Every guy wants to be part of a diamond heist, complete with automatic gunfire while running down the street screaming, "Where's the van?! It was supposed to fucking be here!" Dane, you're right, that would be fucking intense. Then he talked about owning a pet monkey - and I guess that's cool, but I'm partial to my cats, then I thought about another thing I'd enjoy more than sex...a zombie outbreak. Dude, I've written about it before - c'mon. Combine that with super-spy skills a la Jason Bourne (in Bourne Identity), a diamond heist, and a zombie outbreak...Ghandi! Give me a pizza and I'm fucking set.


But then I thought about it some more...no sex...no sex whatsoever...did that include oral sex? Because, I don't know if anything is better than oral sex. Think about it. No matter how cool, exciting, educational, beneficial, fulfilling, heartwarming - something is - it would be ten times better if you got head while doing it. Eating pizza + head = nummy nummy! Driving in the getaway van while shooting zombies and getting head...gez, the possibilities are endless. If there is a God, I believe he/she gave us mouths mainly for oral pleasure. Eating? Only seconday. Speaking? Tertiary. Oral sex? El numero uno my friends. Head is like a universal box of sprinkles on this ice cream of a life. Patrick Henry was censored, he didn't really want to die for liberty, I'll tell you what he really said, but ya know, honesty doesn't sell history books. "Give me liberty, or give me head." Damnit that should be on a t-shirt!


On one final note, I urge all of you to check out the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack...and the movie as well if you already haven't. I've managed to "find" myself a copy - and I am groovin' out. It's basically a collection of songs that make you want to be cool, kill people, and somehow make sense of life in the midst of all the blood, violence and sex.

To my fellow late night junkies, internet mavens, and social deviants - go fuck yourselves and the jeans you sit in.